Showing posts with label shock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shock. Show all posts

Monday, November 4, 2013

November 4: Rejection Sucks

Rejection is never easy, whether it's not getting a job or the loss of a relationship.  When I realized I was going to be in Athens for another year, I decided to give online dating a try.  For the last five months I had been getting to know this guy.  A little over a month ago we met up in Nashville.  We had a nice time and some great conversations but were unsure if/where things were headed.  The last few weeks had felt really promising as we had some great conversations and I felt like we were making an even deeper connection. Until I got an email yesterday that said he knew we weren't going to be more than friends.

I was shocked, especially given the last few weeks of conversation.

I also wasn't satisfied with the email and asked if we could Skype.  As difficult as it was, I was able to tell him my frustration and hurt and the impact his decisions had on me.  He apologized and I genuinely believe he meant it (& I believe he heard me), but it still doesn't mean and anger and hurt just go away.  Moreover, I was proud of myself.

Rejection sucks.  But sharing some wine with good friends and being able to process helps.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Global Lead 2012

Last year, my friend Mallory went on a trip to South Africa as a Teaching Assistant.  The trip was to Cape Town and included five weeks of learning history, leadership, and service learning.  When she returned, I was uber excited about the possibility of participating in the following year.  For me, these are many of my loves all wrapped up into one.  First, I love working with college students.  Second, I enjoy traveling.  Third, the study of leadership intrigues and excites me.  Forth, service learning is a passion as it unites academic (classroom) learning with real life experiences that positively impact a community.  Anyway, I had the opportunity to apply for the position. 

Weeks ago, I interviewed with the program director where I got to express my excitement for the combination of many of my passions.  After our conversation, I was hopeful. However, there were many hurdles.  First, I needed to check to see how I would be able to swing five weeks off of work. I have an assistantship that is a 12 month gig.  Thus, I needed to discuss the possibility with my supervisor.  Second, the trip would mean missing the first week of summer session, thus I needed to clear the missed class with my faculty.  Third, I needed to be offered the TA position.

I promptly talked with my supervisor and she encouraged me (if offered) to jump at the opportunity and told me we would figure something out (I love her, have I mentioned that?! Not just because of this, but she is truly a gift!).  I also cleared missing one class period with my faculty.

Well, after a week(ish) of waiting, I received an email. The program director congradulated me and offered me a TA position, the catch...she wasn't sure if they were going to assign me to South Africa or Greece.  What?!  Greece?!  That wasn't even part of the conversation we had...and unfortunately, it would require missing two weeks of summer session.  I emailed her and told her that Greece wouldn't be a possibility (because of classes) but that I would still like to be considered for South Africa.  Meanwhile, I contacted my faculty to see if there was a possibility to skype in for the second class session.  My fear was that if I limited myself to South Africa, I may not get a TA position at all.  After many emails and almost two weeks, it did not look as though I would be able to skype in for the 2nd class session.  In a last ditch effort (having not heard anything from the program director), I emailed her to ask if spots for South Africa were still available and when she thought she'd make decisions...see I already knew Mallory was going back, and another woman in my program had been assigned as well.  I knew there were limited spots and I was anxious to know how long I'd be waiting to know.

After much waiting, praying, I finally came to peace with the fact that it might not be a possibility.  Truly, one day I was sitting in class and we were talking about NHTI (National Housing Training Institute).  NHTI is housed at Georgia and I know a couple people applying for the program in the summer.  The dates would overlap with the South Africa trip, and as I sat and listened to the presentation on NHTI, I felt a peace come over me about Global Lead.  I reasoned that even if I didn't get to go, there was the possibility of seeing both a former supervisor (Dave Rozeboom who applied for the faculty) and Megan (who applied to be a participant) for a whole week!

Now, I know what you're thinking...right after I felt the peace I found out I was going.  Well, you're right, kind of.  That night, I received an email back from the program director informing me that there was an opening and that she wanted to offer me a TA position on the Global Lead: South Africa trip!

I am so excited!  At first, it didn't seem real.  I had waited and waited, and resigned myself that it might not happen. Because, after all, just because I wanted it, and prayed for it, didn't mean I'd get it.  Life is full of disappointments and sometimes things just don't work out.  But this time, it did.  I will be spending five weeks and two days in South Africa with over a hundred college students.

The waiting was also a time to reflect. At one point I became very frustrated and loathed in self-pitty. But after a really good gut check, prayer, and a swift kick, I chose to change my attitude (for one thing), and reminded myself regardless of the outcome God is in control (always) and that I am blessed beyond belief (I have family & friends that love me, food, shelter, clothes, a car, the opportunity to pursue a great education...the list goes on and on). Yet, I am also humbled and grateful for this once in a lifetime opportunity to take students on a study abroad trip to South Africa!

I am blessed.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Major Life Change #2.2

So after almost six months of grieving the loss of my relationship with Shelton, with lots of prayer, love, and support, I felt like I was in a decent place...and then I got a call from a dear friend.  She started asking unusual questions about where I was, who I was with, how long I'd be there...you know the kind; the kind that mean something has happened and your friend wants to know that you're in a place to hear it.

Well, I finally made her spit it out.  My gut blurted out, "does it have something to do with Shelton, is he dating someone?"  She paused and then replied, "well, he's engaged." 

My heart sank.  What?  Really?  There weren't many other details she knew other than he had been dating her 'on and off' for seven years.  Questions filled my mind and my heart hurt.  I was confused, a bit angry, but really more hurt than anything else.  Hurt because the timeline seemed so quick, hurt because he didn't have the decency to tell me, and really hurt because in the back of my heart, I had secretly hoped after some time, he would realized what a great thing he had lost in me.

Ironically enough, the morning before I got the news I was in the shower crying and pleading God to take away my desire for him.  Not that I believe God orchestrated this (fill in the expletive) situation, but I do believe (and cling to) that he works all things together for good (hopefully my good included).  Additionally, I just heard a MercyMe song, that is now on repeat.  The lyrics are my prayer.  Please continue to pray for me as I wrestle with so many emotions (hurt, doubt, fear, frustration) and also as I seek to find closure and healing.

Move by MercyMe
I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face


[Chorus]
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

Ive got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the cage
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days


I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus]

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat [x2]

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Major Life Changes #1-3

Lord, help me to believe in beginnings.

The last 416 days have been a struggle.  Although there have been some high moments, they have often been accompanied by sadness, grief, loss, and pain.  I know this PhD journey is a long and treacherous path, but if the next two years are anything like this last one...with all the major life changes (MLC), I think I may throw in the towel. 

And yet, most of this pain, sadness, grief, and loss have nothing to do with the PhD program.  When I first moved here, I went through the normal transitional issues (loosing professional identity, making new friends, becoming a student) not to mention the struggle to simply get out here (remember this?).  From there, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer in early August.  (MLC #1) This was hard for me to reconcile.  I was angry and frustrated with doctors who didn't find the cancer earlier.  The Lord, however, was gracious and gave many opportunities to visit with my grandpa before he went to be with Jesus in July.

As I mentioned earlier, there were also joys throughout this last year.  I moved to Athens in a committed relationship to someone I worked with and had been seeing during my last semester at Baylor.  During that time of transition he was extremely gracious and supporting.  Although we knew distance would be a struggle, we were both committed to the relationship.  However, in November, I felt like our communication began to suffer.  It was difficult to connect, but when we did, it was good!  The holidays brought more challenges as he was in Texas and I was in California and Oregon.  Shortly into the spring semester, we had some good conversations about the direction of our relationship.  Although I was feeling the stress of distance and other factors, he was quick to affirm me and the priority that both I and our relationship held....then February came and things crumbled very quickly.  I wanted so desperately to believe his intentions, but his actions and words didn't align.  It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I broke up with him while he was out in Atlanta for a conference (MLC#2).  The months after were somewhat disastrous.  It was hard to focus, hard to concentrate, and hard to grieve the loss of a long-term relationship that had marriage potential. 

Then a few weeks ago, after my tests to determine my tailbone pain, they discovered a dermoid cyst.  The cyst (most likely) has nothing to do with my tailbone, but is serious enough to put the tailbone pain on the back burner.  The cyst is about the size of an egg and resides in my ovary.  The most recently doctor I saw wants to remove my entire ovary (MCL #3).  At word of this, I began to cry.  I asked him about chances for getting pregnant in the future.  The conversation went like this:

Me:What does this mean for having kids?
Dr: Are you trying to get pregnant?
Me: No
Dr: Are you married?
Me: No
Dr: Are you just thinking long term?
Me: I just wanna keep my options open

Although this conversation makes the Dr. out to sound insensitive, I think he was actually trying to be understanding.  From here, he said that my other ovary should kick in and I should still have no problem getting pregnant (minus other factors; thyroid, age, etc).  We talked about lots of other medical type things and scheduled the surgery for September 14th (as of now).  This may change as I am suppose to be on a plane 10 days later for my grandpa's memorial service...I should know more after my Tuesday appointment.

All this to say, this year has been rough and filled with many major life changing moments.  And through it all, there are many songs and verses that have been reminders of God's faithfulness to me throughout this extremely trying year.  I know and believe God will work all things together for his good, and yet...I am SO ready for this year to be behind me and to welcome in a new one. 

Lord, help me to believe in beginnings.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Quick Update & Prayer Request

On Tuesday, I went to the doctor to have the MRI read.  To my surprise, the MRI revealed a cyst.  It's pretty amazing they found the cyst before it began causing me any pain (it's about 2.3 inches around) and a little shocking.  From there the doctors worked with me to scheduled ultrasounds and other appoitments to determine additional information.  After meeting with the obgyn, and after having the radiologist read the ultrasounds, they recommended I see a surgeon to have the cyst removed. 

Again, a bit of a shock.

But since Tuesday, I've had lots of people praying and I've had peace.  The doctors are pretty confident it's benign, although it is an unusual type of cyst.  I have an appointment scheduled for the 30th with a surgeon.  Depending on the type of surgery it's a 2-4 week recovery.  It's very inconvinient, but what a blessing that it was found before it caused pain or worse...burst. 

Please pray for my appointment on the 30th, that the less invasive procedure is an option or surgery, that it can be done quickly (as the semester will get more complicated), and that God will use this to bring him glory in some way. 

There are so many ways I've seen God go ahead of me in this situation already.  This is no surprise to Him even if it was to me!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Questions

Sometimes this life just isn't fair.

I just received word that upon doing the scope, they found the cancer has spread throughout my grandpa's body.

I don't know much more than that at this point. They're going to try and make him as comfortable as possible.

This just sucks, I really didn't expect this would be the outcome.