Major Life Changes #1-3

Lord, help me to believe in beginnings.

The last 416 days have been a struggle.  Although there have been some high moments, they have often been accompanied by sadness, grief, loss, and pain.  I know this PhD journey is a long and treacherous path, but if the next two years are anything like this last one...with all the major life changes (MLC), I think I may throw in the towel. 

And yet, most of this pain, sadness, grief, and loss have nothing to do with the PhD program.  When I first moved here, I went through the normal transitional issues (loosing professional identity, making new friends, becoming a student) not to mention the struggle to simply get out here (remember this?).  From there, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer in early August.  (MLC #1) This was hard for me to reconcile.  I was angry and frustrated with doctors who didn't find the cancer earlier.  The Lord, however, was gracious and gave many opportunities to visit with my grandpa before he went to be with Jesus in July.

As I mentioned earlier, there were also joys throughout this last year.  I moved to Athens in a committed relationship to someone I worked with and had been seeing during my last semester at Baylor.  During that time of transition he was extremely gracious and supporting.  Although we knew distance would be a struggle, we were both committed to the relationship.  However, in November, I felt like our communication began to suffer.  It was difficult to connect, but when we did, it was good!  The holidays brought more challenges as he was in Texas and I was in California and Oregon.  Shortly into the spring semester, we had some good conversations about the direction of our relationship.  Although I was feeling the stress of distance and other factors, he was quick to affirm me and the priority that both I and our relationship held....then February came and things crumbled very quickly.  I wanted so desperately to believe his intentions, but his actions and words didn't align.  It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I broke up with him while he was out in Atlanta for a conference (MLC#2).  The months after were somewhat disastrous.  It was hard to focus, hard to concentrate, and hard to grieve the loss of a long-term relationship that had marriage potential. 

Then a few weeks ago, after my tests to determine my tailbone pain, they discovered a dermoid cyst.  The cyst (most likely) has nothing to do with my tailbone, but is serious enough to put the tailbone pain on the back burner.  The cyst is about the size of an egg and resides in my ovary.  The most recently doctor I saw wants to remove my entire ovary (MCL #3).  At word of this, I began to cry.  I asked him about chances for getting pregnant in the future.  The conversation went like this:

Me:What does this mean for having kids?
Dr: Are you trying to get pregnant?
Me: No
Dr: Are you married?
Me: No
Dr: Are you just thinking long term?
Me: I just wanna keep my options open

Although this conversation makes the Dr. out to sound insensitive, I think he was actually trying to be understanding.  From here, he said that my other ovary should kick in and I should still have no problem getting pregnant (minus other factors; thyroid, age, etc).  We talked about lots of other medical type things and scheduled the surgery for September 14th (as of now).  This may change as I am suppose to be on a plane 10 days later for my grandpa's memorial service...I should know more after my Tuesday appointment.

All this to say, this year has been rough and filled with many major life changing moments.  And through it all, there are many songs and verses that have been reminders of God's faithfulness to me throughout this extremely trying year.  I know and believe God will work all things together for his good, and yet...I am SO ready for this year to be behind me and to welcome in a new one. 

Lord, help me to believe in beginnings.