Major Life Change #2.2

So after almost six months of grieving the loss of my relationship with Shelton, with lots of prayer, love, and support, I felt like I was in a decent place...and then I got a call from a dear friend.  She started asking unusual questions about where I was, who I was with, how long I'd be there...you know the kind; the kind that mean something has happened and your friend wants to know that you're in a place to hear it.

Well, I finally made her spit it out.  My gut blurted out, "does it have something to do with Shelton, is he dating someone?"  She paused and then replied, "well, he's engaged." 

My heart sank.  What?  Really?  There weren't many other details she knew other than he had been dating her 'on and off' for seven years.  Questions filled my mind and my heart hurt.  I was confused, a bit angry, but really more hurt than anything else.  Hurt because the timeline seemed so quick, hurt because he didn't have the decency to tell me, and really hurt because in the back of my heart, I had secretly hoped after some time, he would realized what a great thing he had lost in me.

Ironically enough, the morning before I got the news I was in the shower crying and pleading God to take away my desire for him.  Not that I believe God orchestrated this (fill in the expletive) situation, but I do believe (and cling to) that he works all things together for good (hopefully my good included).  Additionally, I just heard a MercyMe song, that is now on repeat.  The lyrics are my prayer.  Please continue to pray for me as I wrestle with so many emotions (hurt, doubt, fear, frustration) and also as I seek to find closure and healing.

Move by MercyMe
I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus]
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

Ive got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the cage
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus]

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat [x2]

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

Major Life Changes #1-3

Lord, help me to believe in beginnings.

The last 416 days have been a struggle.  Although there have been some high moments, they have often been accompanied by sadness, grief, loss, and pain.  I know this PhD journey is a long and treacherous path, but if the next two years are anything like this last one...with all the major life changes (MLC), I think I may throw in the towel. 

And yet, most of this pain, sadness, grief, and loss have nothing to do with the PhD program.  When I first moved here, I went through the normal transitional issues (loosing professional identity, making new friends, becoming a student) not to mention the struggle to simply get out here (remember this?).  From there, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer in early August.  (MLC #1) This was hard for me to reconcile.  I was angry and frustrated with doctors who didn't find the cancer earlier.  The Lord, however, was gracious and gave many opportunities to visit with my grandpa before he went to be with Jesus in July.

As I mentioned earlier, there were also joys throughout this last year.  I moved to Athens in a committed relationship to someone I worked with and had been seeing during my last semester at Baylor.  During that time of transition he was extremely gracious and supporting.  Although we knew distance would be a struggle, we were both committed to the relationship.  However, in November, I felt like our communication began to suffer.  It was difficult to connect, but when we did, it was good!  The holidays brought more challenges as he was in Texas and I was in California and Oregon.  Shortly into the spring semester, we had some good conversations about the direction of our relationship.  Although I was feeling the stress of distance and other factors, he was quick to affirm me and the priority that both I and our relationship held....then February came and things crumbled very quickly.  I wanted so desperately to believe his intentions, but his actions and words didn't align.  It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I broke up with him while he was out in Atlanta for a conference (MLC#2).  The months after were somewhat disastrous.  It was hard to focus, hard to concentrate, and hard to grieve the loss of a long-term relationship that had marriage potential. 

Then a few weeks ago, after my tests to determine my tailbone pain, they discovered a dermoid cyst.  The cyst (most likely) has nothing to do with my tailbone, but is serious enough to put the tailbone pain on the back burner.  The cyst is about the size of an egg and resides in my ovary.  The most recently doctor I saw wants to remove my entire ovary (MCL #3).  At word of this, I began to cry.  I asked him about chances for getting pregnant in the future.  The conversation went like this:

Me:What does this mean for having kids?
Dr: Are you trying to get pregnant?
Me: No
Dr: Are you married?
Me: No
Dr: Are you just thinking long term?
Me: I just wanna keep my options open

Although this conversation makes the Dr. out to sound insensitive, I think he was actually trying to be understanding.  From here, he said that my other ovary should kick in and I should still have no problem getting pregnant (minus other factors; thyroid, age, etc).  We talked about lots of other medical type things and scheduled the surgery for September 14th (as of now).  This may change as I am suppose to be on a plane 10 days later for my grandpa's memorial service...I should know more after my Tuesday appointment.

All this to say, this year has been rough and filled with many major life changing moments.  And through it all, there are many songs and verses that have been reminders of God's faithfulness to me throughout this extremely trying year.  I know and believe God will work all things together for his good, and yet...I am SO ready for this year to be behind me and to welcome in a new one. 

Lord, help me to believe in beginnings.

Precious Memories

Early Wednesday morning (July 6th), my grandpa went to be with Jesus.  Although I know he's no longer in pain and with his savior...my heart aches.

 

February & March

Although February is the shortest month of the calendar year, it felt like a small eternity.  Unfortunately, March felt like a ground hogs day movie to February.  They were rough months, and although I'm glad they're behind me, the reminiscence of the months will linger with me.

Questions

Sometimes this life just isn't fair.

I just received word that upon doing the scope, they found the cancer has spread throughout my grandpa's body.

I don't know much more than that at this point. They're going to try and make him as comfortable as possible.

This just sucks, I really didn't expect this would be the outcome.

Grandpa Update

Last Friday my grandpa went in for a PET scan to determine if the cancer had spread. If it had they were going to cancel the surgery scheduled for this coming Monday. The doctors said if they didn't hear anything, that it meant the surgery was a go.

On Thursday, my grandpa went in for a blood transfusion as the cancer is causing him to loose blood. Still no word on canceling the surgery. No news is good news.

Well, yesterday they let him know that there was something unusual about the scan and that they want to do a biopsy of his lymph nodes before they remove the cancer.

So on Thursday, they will do a biopsy and then determining a course of action.

I'm not even sure how to pray. Selfishly I want him around for many more years, healthy years. So I pray for healing and wisdom for the doctors. But I don't want him in pain. And I know that this is part of life. No one lives forever. So I just pray that God uses any outcome.

It just sucks.

A birthday to remember

On Thursday afternoon, while having lunch with some friends a discussion of my blog arose. Essentially, my blog title is 'Shannon's Randomness' but it isn't usually that 'random' so some suggestions were made.

An entry in binary code

Entries in another language

Expletives

Well, although I'm not actually going to do any of those, this post may be more random than usual.

Sarah's Birthday

Thursday was Sarah's birthday and to celebrate we went out to Diamondbacks for dessert. From chocolate towers to banana's floster, the choices are all delicious. Sarah had never been to Diamondback's before and I thought it would be a nice treat for her 25th, momentous birthday.

The Ultimate Chocolate Tower was the choice. Pound cake, blueberries, orange enduced cholotae moose, and whip cream all inside a dark chocolate bag. It was decadent! It also looked a lot prettier, before the waiter cut it open; however, still yum!

This happy ending to Sarah's day, unfortunately, wasn't the happy ending it was cracked up to be. On the way home, Sarah got a phone call from her parents and it wasn't to wish her a happy birthday. Sarah's younger brother, Richard, had passed away. As I drove Sarah home, I heard bits and pieces of the story through the tears and utter grief.

Taking Care of Business

Obviously, Sarah wanted and need to be with her family. So we started making plans. Sarah called her friend Holly to take Tuck, Sarah's dog. Sarah began packing. I notified some people on Sarah's behalf and we began making travel arrangements. Holly came over and started in, right away. She helped clean the kitchen, got Sarah packed, and was there to love on Sarah. It was a beautiful picture of the family of God coming together.

If Holly was doing all that, what was I doing you might ask?! Well, I spent 55 minutes on the phone trying to book Sarah's ticket home. There was a ticket leaving Austin at 6:15 in the morning and arriving at 11:51am in Louisville, KY. Gene, the woman on the other end, was apparently having issues with my credit card number and my address. Airlines have special grievance policies for situations like these. With this airline, you could book a flight with a return date up to 60 days later. Sarah can call and change the return flight at anytime for no additional fee. This is nice in the midst of the chaos.

After an infuriating hour long conversation, we had a confirmation number for Sarah's flight.

I retreated to my apartment, called my own mom, and changed my clothes. As I spoke to my mom, she expressed her concern for my ability to drive Sarah to the airport on no sleep. I assured her I would be fine, however, she asked I bring someone along for the drive back. After calling a friend, Meredith, who was surprisingly awake, she agreed to venture to Austin with me.

A quick nap, and a cup of coffee later, Sarah, Meredith, and I were on our way to Austin at 3am.

I hate Northwest Airlines

Hate is a strong word, and I was taught not to use it. However, in this situation, the word may apply. And if there was ever a post that could make me use expletives, this might be it. After spending an hour on the phone booking the flight and receiving a confirmation number, I thought we were all set to get Sarah on that plane.

We dropped Sarah off at 5am, hugged, and sent her on her way with her confirmation number. According to Gene, Sarah was suppose to go to the counter, give the confirmation number and they would print her off a ticket.

Meredith and I drove away.

A few miles down the road, we stopped at McDonalds for breakfast and a large soft drink. As I'm not accustomed to drinking soda, I thought the caffeine and carbonation would be a good idea in case I got tired :)

While in McDonalds, I receive a call from Sarah. She says the ticket counter wants the originally person who purchased the ticket to call their customer service line, talk to the originally person (Gene). NWA doesn't really say WHY, they want this but apparently there is some problem. Sarah let's them know that's probably not possibly and explains that they can call their own customer service people and find out what the issue is (go Sarah!).

After a few more minutes of talking, she says they are finally going to print her out a boarding pass. I wish her safe travels and we get back on the road.

At 6:41am, I get another call. It's Sarah. The conversation starts something like this.

Shannon: (Answers phone) Why are you calling me, what happened, why are you not on an airplane?

Sarah: Apparently, they didn't print me a real ticket

Shannon: WHAT?!

Sarah: I went to board and handing them my 'ticket' they said it wasn't a ticket.

Sarah then went on to explain that the ticket wasn't a true ticket. (How's that for security?!) And they proceeded to tell her that the information about the funeral home/phone number didn't line up. Sarah told them arrangements hadn't been made yet and that she would get that information to them at a later point. The customer service representatives from NWA then proceeded to ask her all sort of questions about his death. Did he die in a hospital, could we have the hospital's contact information to verify? When did he die? And other inappropriate questions. Apart from these NOT being their business, they were asked in such a way without any care or concern for what Sarah was experiencing.

Unforutnately, after all these questions, the jetway was pulled and Sarah wasn't on the flight.

A Northwest Airlines representative told Sarah that the flight had not been booked, but rather put 'on hold' thus they wanted the credit card information again. (Note: I gave that information to them over the phone 6 to 7 times, what to do you mean it was put 'on hold')

As Sarah was telling me this story, expletives began to come to mind... was this really happening?!

Sarah then threw her credit card on the kiosk and told them to book her a flight, she needed to get home.

So Sarah headed to another terminal to try and board the plane. Only, as Sarah looked down at her ticket she realized they had booked her on a flight to Lexington, KY not to Louisville, KY. Heading back to the kiosk, Sarah informed them of their mistake. Fortunately, there was a flight on their sister airline (Delta) that arrived at 12:30pm which they were able to get her on.

I couldn't believe the mess of Northwest Airlines. Nor could I believe the treatment they gave Sarah, especially in light of her situation.

I will be calling them and complaining at length about both the experience booking the flight and on behalf of Sarah's experience with their representatives at the airport.

And, I will never, ever, fly with Northwest if I can control it.

Texas Sunrise

In a previous post, I mentioned my love of sunrises. On Friday morning, driving back from Austin, Meredith and I experienced one of the best sunrises I've seen in a long time (maybe ever). Words won't do justice to its beauty. The oranges, reds, blues, and purple were vibrant and filled the Texas sky. The clouds looked like snow capped mountains outlined by the radiance of the skies color.

What a beautiful reminder of the newness of the day, of the beauty that can be, of the awesomeness of our creator, and that life is meant to be experienced.

Randomness

So how's that for a random post?! It was a long day for me, and longer for Sarah. I cannot imagine. My heart aches for and with her family as they go through this terrible loss.